Feeling good..

Hey, honestly.. I'm feeling good. Never felt this calm before.. but of course, the thought of my girlfriend is always in my mind.

I really feel better after doing my prayers.. and it does make me feel calmer. I should've begun this along time ago.

Hmm.. well,.. I'm just hoping my luck will come back again. Damn it I miss her.

I guess today.. I have nothing much to say.. but felt good and the day went well.. and I gotta cut down on drinking loads of water. Too much already haha..

Ok, I shall be updating again real soon.

Cesspool of Dirt

I am the cesspool of dirt.

How can I be so thoughtless?.. Why am I not even trying to understand my girlfriend's feelings? Why am I not bothering with her feelings?!! Why DID I MADE HER CRY?!!!

FUCK!.. Why do I have to make her feel this way. I really thought, today will be the day I will be able to talk to her again. I thought today.. is the day I can make my relationship tighter.

Apparently.. It did not happen. I guess, her expectations are just too important, I cannot avoid it. I have now renounced any expectations of her from today onwards until the day I propose to her. I will not put pressure on her, force her into things she does not want to do, and I must prove myself to her again.. once more, that I'm worth all of it. FUCK FUCK! Why must I be beset with these problems? Why do others.. who are worst off than me.. can do better in their relationships? Why it seems I'm far from being good enough for her?

I admit I am not a strong and devout Muslim.. though I still try my best to follow my conscience (to do what's right or avoid as told by the Quran). I don't pray 5 times a day.. I don't go for Friday prayers. But still, in Allah (and nothing or no one), I trust.. though I know.. its never enough to know and do just certain things.

I have always been big in size. I have never lost weight to the point I can consider myself.. slim. Never. I am a now a 91.5kg, man. I am big boned and that doesn't help with the weight issue.. but I've hit 78 kg before in my life.. a 24 BMI rating.. considered to be a NORMAL HEALTHY man. But I gained weight.. back to my former weight at 93kg (thanks to lack of self-discipline). You see.. I don't have the motivation to pull myself through. Its just that the after the start.. I don't seem to last through. I need the motivation.. I really do. Help me someone..

These are the two main factors.. the two main expectations my girlfriend wants me to do. To be a better man and do my prayers, and lose the weight.

I believe prayers is not hard.. I just need to pick it up again, re-learn the verses and steps.. but losing weight is now the real issue. I just need motivation.

For you Warda, my love, I am going to start on these expectations. I will pray for the motivation to lose weight and gain a physique (I'll hold on to the deal we've made too..) but.. I will start praying... anything to get you back into my life.

Anything to make you look and smile at me... again.

FUCK!

What the fuck is wrong with the day?.. what the fuck is wrong with me?.. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY LUCK THIS DAYS!!??

AND DO PEOPLE FUCKING CARE... or EVEN FUCKING READ THESE BLOGS.. I doubt alot.. even I don't think my gal reads this.. BUT NO MATTER!
This will be my virtual diary.. what's in my mind is translated here.. but still.. I have to put a 'veil over' my entries. You should know what I mean..

Fucking hell.. the day was just so dead today. Apparently I did nothing that productive today at work.. just did a few sketches of the characters I'm weak with... but most of the day.. I was just watching videos at YouTube, Gamespot and Gametrailers. Fucking boring day.

My friend today misinterpreted what I said to him. Told him I'll be heading to his place in the late evening.. right to the doorstep, only to call him and find out that he is not at home. Still at BUGIS. FUCK.. he didn't hear the part I'm coming over. Oh well..

Hmm.. officially today... is the 8th day of not being able to talk, chat, or sms with my gal. And.. just 3 days ago... we are also 1 year and 6 months together.. with the last 6 months being the worst as I fucked up alot. Haizz.. fuck man.. what do I need to do to get her attention?

I apologise to those I had disturbed, pressured, ostracized or bothered this coupla days (why am I doing this.. when no one reads this shit..).
I'm just not myself.. no longer..

FUCK!!

I'm loving it.

You know what?

This has got to be the most interesting and happiest day of the month. Must be the best day.. 2nd to Hari Raya Eve itself,.. (wait.. wait.. wait.. I forgot.. I'm not gonna enjoy my Hari Raya).

The director of my current project from Manila came over. Officially, I finally feel so confident in spearheading my first storyboards. The director taught and guided me of how to draw the characters better.. and I'm no longer drawing it that off-model. I guess, I just needed some guidance and a mentor. It just seems to be a perfect day.

By the way, work was not that much.. I just had to do some re-labelling of the 'boards that required to have BGs (Backgrounds) code numbers.

Yeah.. I'm so confident now.

And.. I have to say thanks to my girlfriend to actually take some time off her busy schedule to actually at least communicate with me on MSN. It's a start.. I'm gonna make it an effort to make things better off now with her. If she is reading this.. I love you very much.

..and thank you for taking time to read this everyone. More interesting entries real soon.