Cesspool of Dirt

I am the cesspool of dirt.

How can I be so thoughtless?.. Why am I not even trying to understand my girlfriend's feelings? Why am I not bothering with her feelings?!! Why DID I MADE HER CRY?!!!

FUCK!.. Why do I have to make her feel this way. I really thought, today will be the day I will be able to talk to her again. I thought today.. is the day I can make my relationship tighter.

Apparently.. It did not happen. I guess, her expectations are just too important, I cannot avoid it. I have now renounced any expectations of her from today onwards until the day I propose to her. I will not put pressure on her, force her into things she does not want to do, and I must prove myself to her again.. once more, that I'm worth all of it. FUCK FUCK! Why must I be beset with these problems? Why do others.. who are worst off than me.. can do better in their relationships? Why it seems I'm far from being good enough for her?

I admit I am not a strong and devout Muslim.. though I still try my best to follow my conscience (to do what's right or avoid as told by the Quran). I don't pray 5 times a day.. I don't go for Friday prayers. But still, in Allah (and nothing or no one), I trust.. though I know.. its never enough to know and do just certain things.

I have always been big in size. I have never lost weight to the point I can consider myself.. slim. Never. I am a now a 91.5kg, man. I am big boned and that doesn't help with the weight issue.. but I've hit 78 kg before in my life.. a 24 BMI rating.. considered to be a NORMAL HEALTHY man. But I gained weight.. back to my former weight at 93kg (thanks to lack of self-discipline). You see.. I don't have the motivation to pull myself through. Its just that the after the start.. I don't seem to last through. I need the motivation.. I really do. Help me someone..

These are the two main factors.. the two main expectations my girlfriend wants me to do. To be a better man and do my prayers, and lose the weight.

I believe prayers is not hard.. I just need to pick it up again, re-learn the verses and steps.. but losing weight is now the real issue. I just need motivation.

For you Warda, my love, I am going to start on these expectations. I will pray for the motivation to lose weight and gain a physique (I'll hold on to the deal we've made too..) but.. I will start praying... anything to get you back into my life.

Anything to make you look and smile at me... again.